Saturday, December 31, 2011

Hot Rod

   Hot Rod Is a 2007 film about a boy named Rod who tries to be a stuntman and fails hilariously. It's like Napoleon Dynamite, Except about stunts. It begins with Rod attempting to jump a postal truck, and crashing, despite having harnessed the spirit of the eagle, because his crew didn't have time to reinforce the take-off ramp. Rod appears to be indestructible as well, seeing as he survives said crash with a bit of vomit.

                       Time after crash: 1 minute 30 seconds

After biking through the town to Europe's Danger on the Prowl and informing a bunch of kids that he was jumping the pool, He then appears at a restaurant with his crew, guessing jellybean flavours. Get used to this utter lack of logic. The waitress requests "Voltron" which was the name of a super badass TV series, as noted by Dave,  the team "Mechanic", as his reason for ordering their food with that name. Rico, the ramp constructor, returns from "Dropping some dumpage" with the reply "Yoo-hoo shitheads" before adding that he found a bag of fireworks in the men's room. He lights them off in broad daylight near a crowded highway, to a stunning lack of explosion. I'm as lost as you at this point. Anyway, Rod then returns home, after riding his moped shouting "Jumping the pool tomorrow!", to his mother, played by Sissy Spacek. Which doesn't make sense, if you consider Spacek's high school years.


Rod then asks her where his hip pads are, and she flatly responds that they're in the kitchen, making you wonder how long he's been doing what I'm about to describe for. He goes downstairs to where his stepfather Frank is, and yells his name, prompting frank to throw the medicine ball he was lifting at Rod, before flipping him onto the floor and telling him never to sneak up on a man who'd been in a chemical fire.  He then gives Rod a Rhodesian fighting stick, describing them as "Very, Very,... Lethal." Rod examines his murmuring "Of course, Rhodesian." before Frank hits his leg. Rod charges at Frank with his pointed forward like a lance, and falls onto a couch after being hit again. He claims to have given up, prompting Frank to stop hitting him with the stick and turn away. Rod then jumps on his back, and we see Sissy Spacek upstairs reading quietly while you can hear Rod cry "No Frank, no!" with smashing noises in the background. It cuts back to the fight, with Rod being thrown into a wall, and then attempting his "Ultimate Punch" on Frank, which involves shoving your foot into your opponents chest and swinging wildly. In his defense, that move probably would have been really badass if Frank hadn't grabbed his foot and flipped him down again. Rod promises Frank that he would one day punch him right in the face. This kicks off the closest thing to a plot this movie has. He then hilariously rips off Rod's fake mustache and puts it on his forehead, telling him to take out the trash. The movie cuts to night, with Rod awesomely jumping the trash can and shoving the bag in at the same time, landing in the bushes. We then hear Denise's voice, prompting a scene that I somehow recognized.
                                   I think it was Fantastic Four...

She and Rod have a weirdly familiar conversation, and she asks if He's still doing his stunts. He says yes, and that she could, in fact, "Peep the strategy", handing her an ad for his pool jump. as she walks inside after telling him it was nice to see him, he said "You look pretty." when she asks what he said, he says "Um, I said you look shitty. Good night Denise."

                            Feel free to print this off and use it, by the way.       

Rod then goes up to his room, and takes a picture of his father out from under his pillow, giving a heartfelt spiel about his dad living on through him, before poetically tearing up, choking out "I miss you, daddy." Before his step brother Kevin walks in saying "Hey Rod...", to which Rod responds by yelling get out. We then see Rod's crew getting the people out of the pool for the aforementioned jump. Dave informs Richardson to get out of the pool, and that he's being a tool. Richardson responds that there is no tool in that pool, and that he'd happily get out for membership in the crew. When Dave states that Richardson can't join because he doesn't do anything, Richardson proves him wrong in a great display of greatly useful talent.

                     Think of all the practical applications!

As Rod prepares to do the jump, Denise shows up, asking if she can help. Rod responds that his crew has it covered, and Rico shoves a kid into the pool, telling him to stop something. Rod rides up to the ramp, harnessing the spirit of the fox. He rides down the ramp, majestically soaring through the air.

                                                                      
Rod then returns home, claiming to have landed the jump, to find his step father lying on the couch, and his mother explains that Frank's heart was dying and their insurance wouldn't cover the surgery. Also, this had been going on for 21 years, and they told Kevin but they didn't think Rod could handle it. Rod then shoves Kevin away from Frank, and gives a truly poetic speech on how Frank can't die, because Rod still needed to kick his ass. Frank says that Rod should've thought of that before he sucked at being a man all his life. Rod then poe- you know what? He just says "I hate you so much I just want to smash your face in!" He then asks Frank if there was a way to pay for the $50,000 surgery. Frank responds by sarcastically asking if Rod would and then calling him a kid. Rod then promises that he would get Frank better and the beat him to death. He then smashes a vase after Frank says he couldn't beat a drum. Rod screams that he needed to go to his quiet place, before smashing more vases on his way out. He then rides his moped into a forest, and "punch dances" out his rage to "Never" From Footloose. He then falls down an improbably high hill in the middle of a flip, landing dirty but unharmed in a ditch by a road, and sees inspiration in the form of this:

   I couldn't find a picture of the sign, so here's back to the future instead.

He returns to his backyard to Rico giving rapid, hard High-fives to Kevin and Dave, explaining that THAT is how it's done. Rod explains that Frank is on his deathbed, and that after suffering the long and painful fall, he realized that he needed to make one big jump. He reveals his plan to jump 15 buses to raise the money to save Frank's life. When Rico says that's nearly as many as Evel Knievel jumped, Rod specifies that it's one more than he jumped. He checked. Online. Which, after extensive googling, I have found to be true.

                           Both statements.

 Dave then remembers that he is late for work at thee ice rink, and so Rod explains what they need to do while Dave does various jobs such  as driving a zambini and handing out skates. The crew is then seen helping a homeless man raid the dumpster. After finishing his spiel, Rod asks who's with him. The crew and everybody watching raises their hands, and the celebrate with the wildest party ever.

                                                         Lucky.

Rod then shines a light in Denise's face while she plays with her dog, and then stands in his garage under the presumably explainable pretense of smashing a car engine with a hammer. He then offers to let her join the crew, and she says yes. He then turns and says she can't just waltz in off the street and demand to be in her crew. He puts her through what he describes as "The craziest thing you can imagine" for initiation. In all fairness, it's pretty hard having a Slush Puppy dumped on your feet. We then see Kevin sliding with those shoes that have wheels in the heels as Rico explains to Dave a dream he had. I'll let you decide what it was. Rod then tries to introduce the crew to Denise, but it devolves into an argument about who in the crew parties. Rod tells them to shut up, and tells Denise what they do in the crew, and that none of them party. He then says "let's party". Rico and Dave then fill a pool, and Rico questions having a girl in the crew. Dave recites an "Ancient Italian maxim" and Rico sprays him in the face for telling him how to live his life. Rod shows up, channels the spirit of the bottlenose dolphin, and explains that this is an exercise in lung strengthening. Rico sand Dave hold him underwater for 40 whole seconds, and afterwards Denise has to give him mouth to mouth to save him. Rod asks Kevin if it looked like they were making out.

                         "Well, you were face down in the pool."

Rod then walks to the top of a high hill with a skateboard with skis attached, for G-force training. He the rolls down a hill out of control, eventually crashing into a guy's trailer. The guy comes out, angry, and Rico beats the crap out of him, stealing his hat, saying "This is my hat now. This is totally my hat." The crew is then at a corner store, dancig to Two of Hearts while Rico keeps shoving Kevin into the van. Rod is then about to ask Denise out, but Kevin interrupts by asking which song is the one about the grandma being run over by a reindeer. When Kevin goes away, Rod tries again, but then Denise's boyfriend, played by Will Arnett shows up. Will Arnett, people!

                                         Will Arnett, people!

Before laving, Denise asks Rod who would win in a fight between a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco. Her answer was that the Grilled Cheese would win in a normal fight, but "Prison Rules" the taco would win. Rod points out the racism.

 
After even more extensive googling, I found Denise was right.

Rod then does pushups in his living room while telling Kevin that Corvettes are overrated. Sissy Spacek then informs them that Frank was feeling well enough to sit at the table with them, and that they couldn't fight. Rod says he won't, but Frank promptly gets him to snap, screaming "You're the devil!" Sissy Spacek tells him to go outside, and he responds that she could have fun being married to SATAN! The next day, Rod is hit by a van while wearing pillows duct taped to his body. He then drinks a pop while talking to Denise about Jonathon, and saying they should break up. Dave tells them that the bathroom there is nuts. Rod goes up to pay for their food, and asks the cashier out. She says yes.Rod replies to Kevin's surprise with the inspiration "You must only believe if you wish to achieve." He then asks Denise to "Grab that brainy beau of yours and make it a double date." She says yes. As for what happens next, try to decipher the subtle cues in Rod's song as he bikes:
 Ooooh, when you're going on a date, you put on a shirt, then you ride your bike to the da-a-ate!
It turns out Cathy stood him up, leaving him with Denise and Will freaking Arnett, people!

                                                    Will Arnett!

The waitress asks about their drinks, and Will Arnett orders three flaming Dr. Peppers. He then sees his friend Sullivan, and goes to "Say what up" to him. He shouts "Sullivan, you chode! I owe you a shot to the nuts!" Rod then shows Denise a picture of his "Super dead" dad, and tells the graphic story of his death in an accident jumping 10 milk trucks.The next day, Rod announces phase 2 of his plan to save Frank, Operation Fiscal Jackhammer. it is shown in a montage set to Europe's awesome song, Rock the Night. At the end of it, Rod sits atop a tower, singing for a man's birthday. It ends, as only this movie could do, with this:


Rod gets his pay, though. Rod and Denise then do Tai Chi by a lake, and he asks if there was a move that could mak a grown man crap his pants and not know why. She claims that he is not ready for it, but on his insistence, she shows it by using it on him. It works, even though he claims it didn't. Rod then does his laundry with no pants on, singing a song about it. He then sees Kevin's work on a film about the stunts. Rod and Kevin decide to show it in an auditorium to raise money. The crew and Richardson hand out fliers, and we're treated to Richardson throwing fliers at people and doing his funny little dance. Rod tells Frank about the plan, and Frank makes fun of him. Sissy Spacek says it's nice to see him smile again, to which Rod replies that it won' make Franks smile when he murders him.We then see the auditorium, with Dave talking to some girls about his various responsibilities in the crew. The movie then starts, set to Europe's slightly less awesome Danger on the Prowl. It starts out cool, but the audience begins laughing as it gets more and more ridiculous. Rod then throws the projector out the window, and loses the money to fund the jump to pay the damages.He then gets into a fight with Kevin over the video. Rod returns home, and Sissy Spacek informs him that his father didn't actually died in a stunt, he choked to death in a pie eating contest. Rod decides that if his father wasn't a stuntman, neither was he. He then goes up to his room and rips his posters and stomps his cape. The next day, he is confronted by his crew about it.  Rico asks what happened to "Live as a team ,die as a team", and Rod states that there is no such thing as a team, we live and die alone. Dave starts crying, and Denise says that he's always stayed the same when nobody else did. He explains that he is no longer "Legit" and tells her to stay sweet before being hit by the same van as earlier. 

                        This van.

That night, Rod is called by Dave, who asks him to take him to the hospital. When Dave gets into the car, we see a piece of metal lodged next to his eye. We find out he work a Skate sharpener on acid. He then gives Rod a speech about not letting what his dad was control what he is. He then leaves with "Take it easy, mountain face!" and winds up fighting a nurse. Kevin is then singing Karaoke to his stuffed animals, and Rod shows up. The two of them reconcile over the 2 words "Cool Beans." Kevin then explains that he posted the stunt video online, and that KNER, an AM radio station called to sponsor the jump. We then see the Ramps and stands being constructed to Europe's  Cherokee. The AM radio head, Mr. Pasternack, talks about how people listen more to FM radio and color TV nowadays. He then shows a tatoo on his torso that "Fully illustrates" his point.  It's of a boy urinating on a color TV and an FM radio. 

 
"Oh, I get it. It's funnier than the movie Shorts, and it's better written!"

Rod attempts to call Denise, but Will Arnett answers and tells her it's a wrong number. Rod returns home, and tells Frank about the plan to save his life. Frank says he'll get himself killed, and Rod says he'd rather die than live in a world where he couldn't kick Frank's ass. The next day, Rod and the crew walk down to the jump, and a crowd follows, singing You're the Voice. Somebody throws a trash can through a window, and a riot ensues. Rod and crew get out OK, and Rico steals a TV. The crew shows up to the jump, and a TV reporter informs Sissy Spacek of KNER's broadcasting rights. Rod signs"I hate Frank" to kids' notepads. Denise hears about the jump on the radio, and tells Will Arnett, who tells her she's embarrassing herself. She runs away to be with Rod. The crew gives Rod a new suit, a motorcycle, and Rico reveals that he rigged the jump with fireworks. Rod promises over the radio that "He'll get you better, Frank you old sack of shit. And then I will uncork the ass-beating of a lifetime on you!" He then rides the motorcycle around, before pausing for a second. Denise shows up, and Rod tells her that he's afraid to do the jump, and she kisses him. Pasternack then says that he's "Not saying that kiss was hot, but if the boner police are there, he demands a lawyer."  Dave asks why Rod is kissing his sister, and says that finding out she's not his sister "Shatters his universe." Rod does the jump, the fireworks go off, and in slow motion, he gives a thumbs up to the crew, and he's completely off the motorcycle. He makes it all the way over the buses, but rolls and crashes while the motorcycle hits a booth and explodes. Rod goes to a pure white place, and sees this:

                                           The taco wins.
              
Rod reveals that to Denise when she and Kevin wake him up. Rod says that "Life is pain and we have to scrape the joy out of it every chance we get." They then walk him up to the top of the ramp, and we see that he raised the $50,000 for "Frank's conveniently priced surgery." Ebenezer Scrooge shows up in one of the buses with a cooked goose. Afterwards, Rod puts in a Europe CD, and after a long, hard fight, He finally succeeds in kicking Frank's ass. And using the "Crap yourself" move on him.

                   And that's how it ends.


Peter Chang Diagnosis:
This is a great movie. It's been a personal favorite of mine for a few years, and it's comedy couldn't be properly contained in this review. I recommend this movie for anybody looking for some quick laughs.
I'm Peter Chang, saying Happy New Years.

-If you would like to suggest a movie for next review, let me know in the comments. 
                   

Thursday, December 29, 2011

This Blog

I was sitting and watching The Big Bang Theory, (Great show), and I picked up my laptop to check my email. I decided to change my google search background image, when I noticed that my blog was still active. I logged on and checked out my posts, which had  been posted in August 2010. I couldn't believe it. The posts were just SO BAD. I deleted a few of them, but others I kept because they amused me. It was hard to believe I could have actually been serious about them. Like that commercial one; Get over it! Anyway, I'll try to make this blog as humorous as possible.