Tuesday, March 6, 2012

High School Musical 3

The third and final installment of Disney's High School Musical franchise and the topic for my second review.

                                             Third and Final.

This movie appears to be about the angst of the main students as their senior year ends and they race toward graduation. Also, Basketball. It opens with a shot of Zac Efron's sweaty face screaming "Let's go!" and then it turns out it's just a basketball game instead of something you'd actually watch. It shows that the creatively named West High is beating the protagonist school, East High. The East High team goes into the locker room, where the coach gives them a speech on the fact that they have 16 minutes left in the game, as though basketball was important. Also, after extensive googling, I have found that no basketball game does that. The East high students then race out into the court again, singing about having sixteen minutes left in the game. After Troy is shoved off the court by a west high player, the coach brings them in for a huddle. Troy suggests putting Rocket Man, the hipster who has a thinly veiled gay crush on Troy, into the game. The coach justifiably thinks that's a dumb idea. However, in the end, Rocket man scores the final goal.

     But he first stares at the ball Troy threw to him.

They then all go to a party at Troy's house. Because all these kids do is basketball and party. Troy see many of his friends at the party, as well as the coach for the "Redhawks", the University of Albuquerque's basketball coach. After talking to this man with Chad, Troy encounters Gabriella, who asks for "One of everything" When he asks if he can get her anything. He responds with a stupid joke about celebrating. In a deleted scene which they probably took out because people like me would make fun of it, he gets her "One of everything" before letting her climb the tree ladder first. And she was wearing a dress. Do the math on that one. They talk about how they wish that the year would just "Slow down" because they're going to different colleges. And then they sing. Because that's the only way to express yourself in this world. Oh yeah, and before that, Rocket Man jumps over to Troy and gets a picture of himself and Troy, before telling him he has a great room, and that he took pictures to style his own room accordingly.

"Great. Now can I get one where we're making out? It would be funny because we're totally not gay."

It then returns to East High, where Sharpay (Who the hell names their kid Sharpay?) Drives up in a pink car with the vanity plate reading"Fabulous". Seriously. She then walks into the school, where everybody is unrealistically noticing her as she walks through the halls. She then walks up to her also unrealistic pink double locker. Then Tiara (Seriously, Disney?), a likable British girl walks up to her, having noticed Sharpay's request for a personal assistant. Sharpay then explains that with all the things poor people do themselves for high school, she needs somebody to  track her "appointments and assignments". Tiara then responds by organizing her locker properly according to block order. Not that you'd need books lined up IN A ROW to be in any sort of order to be in any sort of order to begin with. Sharpay justifiably responds by asking how she knows what classes she takes, and Tiara explains that she looked up Sharpay's personal schedule. She then gives Sharpay her "Non-fat, no foam soy latte" Whatever the hell that is. Sharpay immediately warms up to this girl, and tells her to plan ahead so their outfits match. And to get rid of any orange clothes she owns. Seriously. It then cuts to Troy going to Homeroom before being stopped by Rocket Man asking about taking his locker next year because it would "really help him with the guys".

                  "Also, can I get some of your old gym shorts? Don't wash them, you'll kill the magic."

The bell then Rings, and Rocket Man runs off with a cry of "Tardy again!" but he's stopped by a teacher, who he ignores to check Sharpay out. Because Disney is a FAMILY network. In Homeroom, Taylor explains to the class that there was Prom and Grad coming soon, and the prom is called "The Last Dance." She then wittily adds "But don't be the LAST to pick up your tickets." Because it's the last dance. She also explains that there was the play coming up, and the Drama/homeroom/everything teacher, Miss Darbis, explains what it's about. Kelsi, the least dysfunctional and only truly likable character in this movie, then writes down the names of everybody in their homeroom to prevent Sharpay from dominating the play. Seriously. Everybody objects, but when they go to the theater room, Gabriella explains that they should listen to Kelsi, in one of the few good decisions displayed in this movie. Darbis then tells them that the play is about "Senior Year" and graduation and such. Troy raises his hand to speak but is ignored for the first time in the movie. 
                                    "Yes, Tardy indeed, Rocket Man."

 After they all say what they think, Darbis explains that "Julliard" school of theater is offering a scholarship to Troy, Kelsi, Ryan, or Sharpay. Chad unrealistically laughs at it, and Troy mentions that he's never even heard of "Julliard". Now should be a good time to mention how many times blogger has told me I've put in typos. Darbis then asks them all what they predict for their futures. Taylor anticipates being president of the US. Chad says "U of A. Hoops all the way." That rhyme was a creative and comical as this sentence was sarcastic. When asked what his future is, Troy freezes up. Gabriella saves him by saying they should "Stage the perfect prom". Nobody questions that. Martha then shows up with a host of backup dancers out of nowhere, and Darbis says she "Feels a show coming on already". 
     However, they dance to a tragic lack of En Vogue.
Ryan and Sharpay then talk in the cafeteria. Ryan says he doesn't suspect Troy, but Sharpay totally does. She says all performers are "Deceitful, ruthless, ambitious." Now as an internet performer, I can tell you that's crap. Ryan just sits and questions her with his eyes. She then goes into a song sequence about "wanting it all". Afterwards, Ryan points out that there is only one scholarship. Sharpay says they would have to take both twins. Did I mention Ryan is her twin brother? We then see Gabriella and Taylor get off the bus, before Gabriella receives a text telling her to come to the roof. On the roof, Troy asks her to the prom in a witty and romantic way. I'd tell you, but I'd rather leave this unruined.[Sarcasm] He then reveals that he can't dance, which is believable as he also said he needs her help to choose a good tuxedo before saying he wants to look good for her. They then sing and dance about how they love each other. It then conveniently starts raining while somehow remaining sunny. He asks her if that means yes, and she responds "in every language" before saying yes in 5. Which is impressive considering East High's intelligence standards. We then see Rocket man and his friend go to their gym lockers to find them empty. Chad and Troy show up holding their clothes. When Rocket man dares ask for the combination, Chad reminds them that they had to earn their lockers. Chad and Troy then run off with their clothes, making them run through the school in nothing but towels. When they reach the drama department, Gabriella and Taylor totally disregard these people's dignity and photograph this for the yearbook. 
I couldn't find an amusing yearbook cover to edit, so here's this thing.

Seriously. Darbis then states that while theater is to allow people to discover themselves, they must do so whilst clothed. She then gives all four of them detention. It cuts to some print room, where the group is working on some sort of computer project. Chad drops a plate of brownies on Taylor's desk, saying he stole them from Zeke. He then asks Taylor about some tuxedos. When she asks why and he responds "For prom" She turns him down saying that if that's what he calls an invitation, he'd be dancing with himself, to the simultaneous cries of "Oh SNAP" of everybody watching ever. Even Troy and Gabriella laugh at him. 
                    Kind of like this.
It cuts to the cafeteria as the bell rings, with Rocket man saying "Yo, Yo, Yo, it's lunchtime!" Before Chad and Troy approach where Taylor and the other girls are sitting, and Chad attempts to ask Taylor to prom. Taylor continually talks about unrelated things, and saying she can't hear him. Troy then screams "YO" at everybody, and they all shut up, which no real high school would do. Chad finally asks Taylor to prom, and she says yes. Chad then leaves to "Shoot some hoops or something" and Troy then boorishly- crap, best part. Shut up. They go to the stage and epically perform a song about prom being the night to remember. It goes on, and somehow manages to be the only legitimately good song in all of High School Musical. Afterwards, Sharpay talks to Ryan about how Kelsi is probably writing something "amazing"for Troy and Gabriella. He responds that it is most likely a song. I'd tell you, but spoilers. Sharpay tells him to just get it. Ryan then walks into the music room where Kelsi is working on a song for Troy and Gabriella. Ryan just takes a cup of tea that she has sitting on the piano and sits down. Who the hell just takes somebody's tea? Seriously, it's just inconsiderate. 
           "What the hell is wrong with you? I wanted that tea!"

He then asks her what she's doing for prom, and she replies that she still needs to write lyrics 2 days before the show. 2. Days. He then says he'll pick her up at 8, and they sing the song together before it cuts to Troy and Gabriella singing it. As Troy climbs onto stage while singing, you can clearly see rocket man watching him to the point where Darbis has to smack him to make him start painting the set again. Troy then gets paint on his hands and attempts to get it on Gabriella, who puts some on his neck. He then runs and swings her around. If you honestly relate to their relationship, just go ahead and call the cops on your house right now. Oh yeah, and Chad shows up in this weird clown suit and Ryan laughs at him. Seriously.
 Beware the wrath of the clowns, for you have awakened it.

Afterwards, Ryan states that he pities the actor to follow Troy and Gabriella, and it turns out to be him. Sharpay then makes him come over, where they plot to destroy Troy and Gabriella, and when Ryan states that he's taking Kelsi to prom, she says "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." I'm as lost as you. Troy and Chad then go to a junkyard in an attempt to find a new radiator cap for Troy's truck. The creepy biker guy who owns the yard states that he's so exited to see them in redhawk uniform, he already bought season tickets. He has to leave early, so he leaves the yard in Troy and Chad's presumably irresponsible hands. They find a new radiator cap, but feel the need to discuss how they came to this yard as kids, and how they grew up. Cue obligatory song sequence. It's a bit more creepy than usual. I'll leave it to your imagination. Something about the boys being back. At one point they turn into actual boys! Chad then asks what Troy will do if Julliard says yes, and Troy says he doesn't know. Chad then says he's getting Troy back in the gym the next day, and Troy asks if it's "so he can whup his butt again."
                     Because we're all SO terrified of basketball against Troy.

Gabriella and Taylor discuss the future, and Gabriella insinuates that she wants to stay in Albuquerque with Troy, and go to genius school next year. Taylor then has an isolated incident of being reasonable, pointing out that Gabriella isn't thinking straight. Gabriella's mom shows up, and Taylor leaves the house. After a heart-to-heart talk with her mother about how you need to grow up and accept disappointment, we see Troy's family and Chad's family being friends and having dinner together about Troy and Chad being Redhawks. They then say "Road Trip!" Because one of their games is somewhere far out. I'm not paying much attention. Troy then goes out back, and sings a "sad" reprise of that treehouse song from earlier, about being separated. Hey, spellcheck just pointed out that Julliard is a real place! It cuts to Troy walking to his locker, to be shocked by Sharpay appearing out of nowhere to tell him about Gabriella's genius school thing, as part of her "devious"plan to break Troy and Gabriella up, somehow. Sharpay promises to see him at rehearsal. Troy then goes to Gabriella's house in the middle of the night with a pizza and a picnic basket. Because that's what teenagers do in the middle of the night.  They then share a chocolate covered strawberry, and Troy confronts her about genius school. 
        "Seriously, What have you been smoking?"
She then points out that she doesn't want to go because she's "run out of good-byes" Even Troy points out how stupid she's being. The rest is a lovey talk, that ends with Troy pointing out that all she'll miss is the show.Then she touches his hair, and tells him good-night. He leaves, finds that his car crapped out, and walks home, unmugged. Gabriella then has a song about "Walking away" and something about good-byes, and... Dying, I think. Also, scenery disappears, leaving the house empty. Perhaps burglars followed Troy's example on getting into her house. We then see the auditorium, where Darbis puts Sharpay in Gabriella's spot, and Tiara in Sharpay's. Unnecessary step, yes, but plot-necessary. Apparently. Sharpay says to "Pull together and do it for Gabriella" At night, Troy is in his house, where he takes a cookie and talks to his dad. His dad brings up Gabriella, and Troy points out that she's "knee-deep in geniuses" at what apparently is Stanford. Troy's dad then reveals that He knows about Julliard, and that "All Troy talked about was wearing that Redhawks uniform" when h was a kid. Troy then unnecessarily rages at his dad about making his own choices, and storms off in his un-crapped truck to the school, in the middle of the night. Apparently the school is unlocked, because he gets in, changes into is wildcat uniform, and angsts about choosing basketball or theater. In song, of course. Also, there's this giant tapestry of him playing basketball, and He tears it down. After rage-dancing his way into the theater, Darbis shows up, and, rather than suspending him, explains that She sent his application to Julliard. 
                 Miss Darbis, apparently.
Because apparently you can do that in this universe. She also explains that she's there because she's trying to put the show together with Sharpay replacing Gabriella. Also, some bullcrap about "self-discovery". He then points out that he's so confused by the choice, and She points out that Theater is a way to "discover yourself" She leaves, telling him to turn out the lights. We then see Troy rehearsing with Sharpay after Ryan teaches him the moves, and a set piece falls down. Troy tells Ryan that he's easier to dance with than Sharpay. Kelsi then calls him down, telling him that the show must go on or something. Gabriella is seen biking to Stanford, and Troy shows his mom his prom tux. Gabriella calls, telling him that she needs to grow up, and she can't handle going back to East High "just to say good-bye again." Troy tells Chad she isn't coming back, and Chad just asks if she'll miss prom. When Troy tells him the obvious truth, he gives an inspiring speech about how "you don't take the girl with you" And that he needs to let Gabriella go, and have a prom. Gabriella walks across campus to find Troy's un-crapped truck, and Troy jumps out of a tree to greet her. When she asks what's with him and trees, he says he "likes the view". They then have a reprise of that roof-top song, and have a weird sort of LSD thing where they're at prom, with bright lights.
 Like this, but Boring. And not worthy to be called music.
oh, and they kiss after snapping out of it. They then walk across campus, and Troy says how much she changed East High. As in, he got more friends. Cut to Sharpay talking to her parents on a cellphone whilst doing stretches. Rocket Man then tries to attract her with his cologne called "Babe Magnet" after being name Rocket Man somehow fails. Troy then texts him, telling him to go onstage for him. Rocket Man freezes up, and the play begins with  duet between Ryan and Kelsi. However, just as it begins to look sweet, it becomes a reprise of that sweaty beginning song. Seriously. When Rocket Man's black friend shows up to tell Sharpay about Rocket Man replacing Troy, she tells him to shut up and send Troy up to rehearse the kissing. After he leaves, we see Ryan doing a creepy reprise of that song about wanting everything. Sharpay then tells the director to "not forget the special", and She tells Ryan he has cute pants. After going on she sings, and Rocket man gives himself a mirror pep-talk. After he fails to show, Sharpay crashes and burns. Rocket Man does save the day, however, in a ridiculous outfit. He also drives her to the edge of the balcony with his musical advances. Looks like he reached a crescendo, alright!
                                   What the hell is wrong with you? Call the cops!
Troy and Gabriella show up to save the day, and Sharpay is foiled again. She then goes to see Tiara had taken the role she was supposed to take, and Sharpay is crushed. Troy and Gabriella have their duet, although I'm not certain how the intermission worked. The entire cast runs on, and there are hugs and such all around. 
Also, the crowd stands and claps along. Just when you think that this is the finale of this movie, We see there is still Sharpay's act. She then goes onstage as Tiara performs a reprise of the worst part of the prom number, taking back her throne. Ryan presses a button lowering them into the stage. Everybody laughs. We then see the cast singing that togetherness song in their graduation robes. 
"I only chose Berkly to spite my dad. I don't actually care about you."

Kelsi wins the Juliard scholarship. Jason graduates. Taylor goes to Yale on Political Science. Ryan is awarded a Juliard scholarship for being great, apparently. Sharpay goes to U of A. Darbis calls out Troy on his decision, and he decides to do both Theater and Basketball at Berkley. He then reveals that, 37.5 miles away, Sharpay was a Stanford, a rival school to Berkley. When Chad is called, we see that he fled to the gym to shoot hoops, and he asks if Berkley plays, and Troy reveals that they're "Scheduled to kick some Redhawk butt" in November. Troy's dad tells them to get on stage. Troy is then seen making a valedictorian speech, on the field. He calls back to earlier in the series, and alludes to his relationship with Gabriella. Because nobody knew about it. After saying "once a wildcat, always a wildcat", they have a final song sequence about "holding onto your High School musical" We then see The six main characters (but not Kelsi) in front of a closed Curtain, with closeups of their faces, for no reason. Literally none.

Peter Chang Diagnosis:
Don't buy this movie. I watched it to make fun of it, and I have to cope with it cluttering up my DVD shelf. It will ruin your children. At least the title is literal.
I'm Peter Chang, saying High School is nothing like this.

-If you'd like to suggest a movie for next review, let me know in the comments.